Once I saw her in the light of day, I suggested she might see a plastic surgeon.
“Listen, sweetheart,” I lisped, “Did you ever consider plastic surgery?”
Well, she turned on me.
It was awful.
I can see now why they used to name storms after women.
She grabbed my .38 right out of my armpit and proceeded to fill me full of holes.
By the time she emptied the special on that hot Saturday night, I looked like a rancid piece of Swiss cheese.
“Aw, why’d ya hafta go and do that baby?
This was my best dinner jacket. It only had one hole in it before. Now it has seven. I’ll never be able to wear it again.”
That’s the last thing I remember before I lost consciousness…
Two Lawyers on an Elevator
Oh! It’s you!
Yeah, only me…
Why didn’t you ever answer my letter?
You sent me a letter?
About two months ago
Oh… Why didn’t you call?
I did. You told me to send you a letter.
Oh…you fell for that one…
In my case an accident, but you sir, are a self-made man.
I’ll see you in court.
Answer my letter!
If Wishes were horses I’d get on and ride
If trouble was money, I’d be a millionaire
If frogs had wings, they wouldn’t bump their ass so much
If you can dream and not make dreams your master
If two are dead three can keep a secret
If not now, when?
If traveling was free, you’d never see me again
If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain
If I was your wife, I would poison your coffee.
If I was your husband, I would drink it.
My name is Zardoz
I come from the land of Ur
I come seeking relief
I am in disguise
Yes, I have come to tell you something
I need your understanding
I want to know the correct path
Sharing a good laugh with you would be nice
I don’t want to be sad
When I have what I need I will feel Ok.
Haiku for You
The white water rushes
through the throng of rocks
only to settle in the pool below.
How to fix it
Leave a legacy of love
Shovel shit against the tide until you reach the end of the line
Everyone has a story
And nearly everyone undergoes a startling metamorphosis
All is emptiness under the moon
The umbrella academy offers scant protection.
Went to a garden party at Kevin’s
all the best people were there
including a past trade minister from Canada.
Started off with a shot of tequila, then a beer chaser
moved on to eggnog which was heavy with rum
then finished with a couple of glasses of Merlot.
“Doesn’t all that mixing bother you?” Asked Alice.
“Never mix never worry, Honey.”
Well, so far so good.
I went to the cat corner
Where Maureen was waiting
She was sipping her Hendricks
Gin and Tonic
She looked up me
Her eyes dully gleaming
Like an angel who is dreaming
Come sit with me she implored
And I complied
And we sat together in the gloaming
until the evening
Ted Cruz is a particularly odious politician
Who left the country in a lurch
While his people froze in their homes
He was on a plane to sunny Cancun
To say anyone in Texas would do the same
Misses the point by a mile
To say all politicians are the same
Also makes me smile
Ted Cruz takes the cake
Now he can eat it too.
Last night I had dinner out with friends
But the best part of the evening
Was the ride home
It was 71 degrees and the night was dark
I had the windows open and the moon roof too
Jazz on the radio at full blast
Seventy miles an hour down the long-lost highway
The wind was in our hair and on our skin
Wow! Said my friend when I pulled in front of her bungalow
At midnight in a screeching stop
That was exhilarating!