The Last Chance Saloon

The Day of the Dead

In honor of Halloween and in anticipation of the Day of the Dead I present to you my play.


The Last Chance Saloon

SETTING: A dive bar in the tourist town of Chihuahua, Mexico

TIME: The present

CHARACTERS:

Old Man, in his 70s

Pepe, a waiter, in his 30s

Tito, another waiter, in his 60s          

Maria, barmaid, in her 20s

Joe, a tourist, is in his 50s

Ron, a tourist, in his 60s

Cora, a tourist, in her 60s

Opening: OLD MAN is sitting at a table outside of The Last Chance Saloon. He is reading a book in the light of the afternoon sun and sipping a drink. There is a large plate-glass window that allows us to see inside the Saloon. There are two waiters, one old and one young, hovering inside waiting for the old man to go. The old man signals the waiters for another drink. The younger waiter saunters over.

PEPE

What will you have?

OLD MAN

Another whisky and soda.

PEPE

Don’t you think you’ve had enough, señor?

The OLD MAN just looks at him. PEPE goes inside to the bar, pours a shot of bourbon into a tumbler of ice, and spritzes it with soda water. He carries the drink outside to where the OLD MAN is sitting and places it in front of him.

PEPE

Why don’t you just fuck off, old man?

PEPE goes back inside to huddle with his workmate at a table near the door.

OLD MAN

He probably thought I couldn’t hear what he was saying, as I am practically deaf. But I hear well enough in a quiet environment.

The two waiters huddle together at a table, whispering to each other.

OLD MAN

Probably talking about me. They probably want me to go. They think I’m drunk and need to leave. Well, I’m not ready to go yet. I like this place. It is clean, well-lighted, and quiet. I like to read here in the afternoons and pass the time. Oh, well, I’ll stay a little longer and have one more for the road. 

OLD MAN motions to the waiters for another drink. PEPE crosses downstage to the table where OLD MAN is sitting.

OLD MAN

Another whiskey and soda, amigo.

PEPE

No. You’re done. Time to go.

OLD MAN

(slamming his empty tumbler on the table.)

Another!

.

PEPE

We are closing now.

PEPE begins to wipe the table with his towel. OLD MAN slowly rises to his feet. He is a bit unsteady. He pulls some cash from his pocket and throws it on the table. He turns and begins slowly walking downstage as the waiters stare after him.

TITO

He probably doesn’t want to go home to an empty apartment. He lost his wife last year. And did you hear about his daughter?

PEPE

No. What about his daughter?

TITO

He found her in her bedroom and had to cut her down.

PEPE

He has the smell of death on him.

Instantly, the lights snap off. Strobe lights activate for a few seconds, then a lone spotlight on the OLD MAN at the edge of the stage. He freezes, then closes his eyes, takes a sharp breath, and raises his hands to his neck. We hear the sudden crack of a wooden chair kicking over, immediately followed by a thick rope pulling taut under the weight, and a harsh, choked gasp of air cuts off abruptly. Blackout.

Scene 2.

Later that night. In the darkness, there is music emanating from a jukebox, but it is playing in a warped, slowed-down version at half speed. A harsh beam of white light penetrates the center of the stage, illuminating an open doorway. The OLD MAN stumbles through the doorway as if propelled from behind, clutching his throat and gasping for air. As he steps into the bar, the music immediately returns to normal. Light up on the interior of The Last Chance Saloon.

Hanging on one wall is a Mexican flag, and on the other wall is an American flag. Upstage Center is a bar with a pretty barmaid behind it. There are mirrors behind the bar and a sign above the mirrors that reads Last Chance Saloon.  JOE, a tourist, is sitting on a barstool in the middle of the bar. He is frozen mid-sip, like a statue, until the OLD MAN takes his first steps toward the bar, at which point JOE suddenly comes to life and drinks.

The music fades out as the OLD MAN winces, rubs his throat, and swallows with difficulty. He sits a couple of stools down from JOE and tries to catch his breath.

MARIA

(Smiling warmly as if she had been waiting for him)

Buenas noches, señor. You made it just in time.

OLD MAN

Did I?

MARIA

Of course. Most people don’t get a last chance. What can I get for you?

                        OLD MAN

Do you have any bourbon?

MARIA

Sí, we have Jim Beam.

OLD MAN

OK. I’ll have that.

MARIA pours the drink, marks it on the bottle, and sets it before the OLD MAN. She then walks back to her perch to resume her conversation with JOE, but he turns to the OLD MAN and starts to speak.

JOE

Hey! Where are you from?

OLD MAN

From the States.

JOE

Well, I figured that. Where in the States?

OLD MAN

Kentucky.

JOE

Kentucky! Ha! Bluegrass country! I heard it was the land of fast women and beautiful horses! That right?

OLD MAN

Yeah, we got some pretty women there.

JOE

Well, you are a long way from home, hombre. I’m from Oregon, myself.  You been here before?

OLD MAN

Yeah, I live here now.

JOE

A lot of ex-pats here, that’s for sure! I guess that’s why they call it “Gringo Land.” Say, what brings you here south of the border? Trouble at home? You running from the law? Embezzle company funds? Personally, I’d like to think you killed someone.

OLD MAN

I came here for the waters.

JOE

Waters? Hell, there ain’t no water here! This is the middle of a desert!

OLD MAN

Well, I guess I was misinformed.

JOE laughs out loud. He has a bottle of beer in front of him and a shot of tequila. He downs the tequila and chases it with the beer.

JOE

You’ve been watching too many movies, Old Man!

OLD MAN

Seriously, though, I came to Mexico for her great beauty, her delicious margaritas and mojitos, and her spicy food. It is a land of revolution and rebels, like Pancho Villa and Emiliano Zapata. Viva Zapata!

OLD MAN raises his drink and kills it.

JOE

You’ve been reading too many books, too, amigo.

OLD MAN

Why did you come to Mexico, señor?

            JOE

Me? Vacation! The missus and I come down here every year in October and stay for a month. We love the weather, the food, and best of all, the prices. We’ll be leaving at the end of the month after the big celebration.

                                    OLD MAN

Celebration?

JOE

You know, the Day of the Dead.

OLD MAN

Oh yes! How could I forget? Día de Muertos.

JOE

Yeah, it’s a pretty big deal here in Chihuahua. Parades, marching bands, and everything.

OLD MAN

Yes, it is. I may have to miss it this year.

JOE

What else do they do in Kentucky? You ever do any hunting when you lived there?

OLD MAN

Sí, when I was a young man, I would hunt squirrels and rabbits with my grandfather’s 12-gauge shotgun.

JOE

Ugh! Squirrels. They ain’t nothing but a tree rat. You ever eat a rat?

OLD MAN

No, señor, I’ve eaten some squirrels, but I never ate a rat.

JOE

Why not? What’s the difference?

OLD MAN

A rat is a filthy animal.

JOE

Probably tastes just the same.

OLD MAN

I doubt it. Might taste like cherry pie on Friday night, but I’ll never know because I wouldn’t eat the filthy creature. You know, Mexico City is crawling with rats. The last time I was there, I saw one sunning himself by a swimming pool. And another one was looking at me from the window ledge of a sidewalk café while I was eating. It was as long as my right arm.  Truly frightening. No señor, I would never eat a rat.

JOE

Hahaha! I’m just messing with you, Old Man!  I wouldn’t eat a rat or a squirrel. I’m a venison man myself. We have big game up in Oregon. Deer, elk, Big Horn Sheep. You can hunt bear and cougar, too, if you’re looking for a little excitement. Got me a black bear last year.

OLD MAN

I don’t hunt anymore, señor. I’ve lost my taste for killing. When I was a young man, I was hunting one day on my grandfather’s farm in Kentucky. I had his single-shot 12-gauge shotgun in my possession. As I came around a corner, I spotted a groundhog sitting on top of a fence post outside the granary. I froze in my tracks and brought the gun up to my shoulder. I drew a bead on the animal and cocked the hammer on the gun. My finger tightened on the trigger as I took a deep breath. I was letting it out, ready to shoot, but a curious thing happened. I began to think about that groundhog, and how he was a familiar figure around the farm and beloved by my family. The groundhog had done nothing to me, so why should I kill this animal? I knew my family would be unhappy with me if I shot it. My finger slowly relaxed on the trigger, and I released the hammer on the gun and lowered it to my side. In that instant, the groundhog leaped off the fence post and ran away. It was at that moment that I learned a powerful lesson. The lesson of mercy. It is far more powerful to grant a life than to take one. Ever since then, I gave up hunting.

There is a pause while OLD MAN’S speech sinks in. Then suddenly…

JOE

Well, pardon me all to hell!

OLD MAN

No need to apologize.  No offense taken. Killing and dying. It’s all the same to me. You’re just as alone. And just as dead.

MARIA (looking at OLD MAN)

Do you want to play a game?

OLD MAN

What kind of game?

MARIA

It’s called Dead Man’s Bluff. You roll the dice. There are three winners. One who calls the shot. One who pays, and one who drinks the shot. Do you want to play?

OLD MAN

Sure, why not? Let’s play!

They each take a turn and roll 6 or 7 dice out onto the bar top from a leather cup. Each time MARIA counts the tops of the dice. OLD MAN wins the first round.

MARIA

What shot do you want?

OLD MAN

What are you drinking?

MARIA

Don Julio

OLD MAN

OK. That’s what I want.

MARIA pours out a shot of tequila and sets it on the bar.  She downs the shot. JOE throws some pesos onto the bar. They roll again. This time, MARIA calls the shot.

MARIA

I call Jim Beam.

MARIA pours a shot of Jim Beam and sets it on the bar.

JOE

I’ll drink to that!

JOE downs the shot of bourbon. OLD MAN pays. They roll one more time. This time, JOE calls the shot.

JOE

Don Julio again!

OLD MAN shoots the shot, and MARIA pays. They all laugh.

JOE

All right! I have had about all of this I can stand! I have to meet my wife at the Hotel Victoria. We are going on a tequila factory tour in the morning, and we have to be up bright and early.

OLD MAN

Good night, señor. Maybe I’ll see you around the town square.

JOE finishes his drink, climbs off his stool, and saunters out of the bar. MARIA crosses to the table where the other couple is sitting.

MARIA

Can I get you anything else?

CORA

I’ll have another rum and Coke.

MARIA

And you, señor?

RON

Jim Beam and Coke.

MARIA walks away to fetch the drinks. During the ensuing dialog, OLD MAN sips his bourbon and stares at Ron and Cora.

RON (Cont.)

You know, there were a lot of human lizards slithering around last night at El Chameleon’s. Best damn dive bar in Chihuahua.

CORA

Really? Did we go there? I don’t remember!

RON

Yes, we did. You probably can’t remember because you were in a deep conversation with Captain Morgan.

CORA

I remember you taking me home, but I couldn’t remember the name of that bar. I didn’t think it was a dive. Kinda cute! And that hot little Mexican girl thought you were kinda cute too! Did you ever find her again?

The light shifts and the club gets quiet for a moment. RON looks over at OLD MAN. They make eye contact.

RON

No. Trust me. It’s a dive. A nice dive, but a dive. Just like this place here. The Last Chance Saloon. The end of the line. Davy Jones’ Locker. The place where hopes and dreams come to die. Look around. You see anyone here that gives a damn? (He raises his drink in mock salute to OLD MAN) They got nothing to worry about because there’s no place lower they can go. (back to normal) Besides, I was more interested in you than in her.

CORA

Come on, Ron. You know I don’t think of you that way.

He reaches out to touch CORA’S arm. She recoils in disgust.

RON

Yeah, but I wish you did.      

CORA

Now, don’t start that again. Truth and illusion, Ron. You don’t seem to know the difference.

RON

Yeah, well, it seems to be a universal problem, doesn’t it? It’s all a dream, and we are all delusional. Nothing is real. You know, like that old Beatles song, Strawberry Fields.

CORA

I don’t remember. I was always more of a Stones girl, if you know what I mean.

RON

Yeah, I think I catch your drift…Didn’t you tell me one time you fucked Mick Jagger?

CORA

Hell, I fucked the whole band! My boss sent me to buy tickets, but they were sold out. So, we struck a deal. Tit for tat. Quid pro quo! Four tickets for four lays. It was a peak moment, I might add. I’ve been a Stones fan ever since.                        

RON

Yeah, sort of ruined the whole Rolling Stones thing for me, you know what I mean? I can’t listen to a Stones song anymore without thinking about you and Mick Jagger getting it on. So, what is your favorite Stones song anyway?

            CORA

Wild Horses.

RON

Wild Horses.

CORA

Mm hm.

RON

Why Wild Horses?

CORA

Because I love horses. When I was a little girl, we used to have horses on our farm back in Tennessee, and I rode all the time. Up until the time I discovered boys. Then I started riding boys.              

RON

You know, I’m starting to get a complex. You fuck everybody but me. Mick Jagger, the boys in the band, your high school football team, and what about that guy last night? What was his name?

                        CORA

Miguel.

RON

Miguel! That’s it! What about me? I’m not good enough for you?

CORA

It’s not that, Ron. I just don’t think of you that way. I think of you more like a brother. And you know how I feel about my brother.

RON

Yeah, that freeloading piece of shit. I’m nothing like him!

CORA

No, you’re not. I’m just not physically attracted to you, that’s all. Can’t you understand that?

RON

Yeah, I get it. I just don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you, is all.

CORA

Well, if you feel that way about it, why don’t we just get the hell out of here? Take me back to the hotel.

MARIA brings them their drinks, sets them on the table, and collects their empties. She takes the empties back behind the bar.

RON

All right, I’m sorry. Truth be told, I’d rather have you as a friend than not have you at all. Let’s just finish our drinks and change the subject. Did I ever tell you about the time I met Johnny Cash?

CORA

Yeah, every time you get drunk!

RON

Did I get on your last nerve yet?

                        CORA (softly)

Getting there.

RON

What?

CORA (raising her voice)

I said yes!

RON

You know, sometimes you drop your voice, and I can’t hear what you are saying.

OLD MAN reacts by touching his ear and wincing.

CORA (Raising her voice higher)

I don’t drop my voice! And your doctor is an asshole!

RON

All right! You don’t drop your voice.

CORA

Sometimes I just get quiet, that’s all.

OLD MAN chuckles to himself and takes a slow sip of bourbon, and lets the line hang over him for a beat.

RON

That’s right, baby. Sometimes you just get quiet.

Silence. Crossfade to MARIA and OLD MAN

MARIA (to OLD MAN)

What’s your name, Gringo?

OLD MAN

Philip. Most people just call me Old Man.

MARIA

You don’t look so old to me. You look like you take pretty good care of yourself. Is that right? Do you take care of yourself? I bet you have a whole lot of life left in you yet, old timer!

OLD MAN

Yeah, I try to stay in shape. You never know when you might need your body to perform, you know what I mean? I’m not as strong as I used to be, but I know a lot of tricks. But lately,

to tell the truth, I have been feeling pretty washed up. I don’t have much left to live for anymore. Just waiting around to die.                                                    

MARIA

Aw, don’t say that. I bet you have lots to live for.

OLD MAN

Not really.

MARIA

What about family?

OLD MAN

My wife died of lung cancer last year, and my daughter just committed suicide.

MARIA

Oh, I am sorry to hear that. You must be very sad. But what about friends? Don’t you have any friends?

OLD MAN

A few. Not many. Honestly, I prefer my solitude. I miss my daughter and my wife. I have always said you cannot live without love. But solitude is independence. It is cold and vast, like the cold vastness of outer space.

MARIA

It sounds lonely.

                                                OLD MAN

It’s not really. I like sitting and reading my book of an afternoon and having a drink by myself. Preferably someplace that’s quiet and well-lighted. That’s why I came to Mexico in the first place. To get away from people I knew and all the old familiar places. I feel more at home here in Mexico than I ever did back in the States.

MARIA

What does that even mean? That doesn’t make any sense.

OLD MAN

Well, it’s like this. I have never felt that I fit in anywhere. It was like I was always a stranger in a strange land. Constantly on the go, always the new guy in class or the new boy in town. When I first came to Mexico, it was so different from my life back home, so alien, that I felt right at home. That strangeness, that sense of alienation, was a familiar feeling. I love walking alone

along these streets of cobblestone. This is where I feel most comfortable. This is where I want to live, and this is where I want to die.

MARIA

The way you talk, señor. You sound like a poet. Are you perhaps a writer?

OLD MAN

Used to be. I stopped writing when Cassandra died.

MARIA

Cassandra? Was that your wife’s name?

OLD MAN

Sí.

            MARIA

Pretty name. You must have loved her very much.

OLD MAN

Sí. She was the light of my life. My raison d’etre, my muse, my inspiration, my everything. I have been with a lot of women, but she is the only one I truly wanted to be with. To be married to, I mean. I lost her once, but she came back to me only for me to lose her again. First, she came to me in my dreams, then she appeared one day on my doorstep. I told her one time after she had been back for a while, you know, you are the only one I ever wanted to be with, and she looked at me and she said, and you still can’t figure out why, can you? Well, you are my own sweet mystery, I answered. And she said, I’ll give you three reasons: First, destiny. Second, you still can’t figure me out. And third, you’ll never be bored for the rest of your life.

Well, she was right about that last part. I was never bored. She was right about the rest of it, too.

MARIA

She sounds like a very special person. I have the feeling she was beautiful, too.

OLD MAN

Yes, she was. Her eyes were like two jewels in the night. She had long, black, smooth hair that hung down to her waist, and I would pull it at night when we slept together. We would have a tug-of-war every night.  She was my mysterious lady. My beautiful, mystical wife. She had the kind of beauty that calls forth a grief that is beyond imagination. The kind of beauty that starts wars or brings nations to their knees. There will be no other like her. She was the last of her kind. (beat) But, enough about me, let’s talk about you. What’s your name, anyway?

MARIA

Maria. At least that’s what I put on my Facebook page. You want another shot?

            OLD MAN

No thanks. What’s your real name?

MARIA

That is my real name. I don’t know why I said that.

OLD MAN

I guess everybody is so busy being somebody else these days, they don’t have time to be themselves.

MARIA (laughs)

Are you sure you don’t want another drink? It’s on the house.

OLD MAN

OK. Why not? The day I turn down a drink will be the day they find me in the morgue.

MARIA pours a shot of tequila and sets it in front of OLD MAN. He downs it in one gulp.

OLD MAN (cont’d.)

So, how long have you worked here, anyway?

MARIA

Who me? I’m just working here for a friend. I know the owner. I’m just helping her out of a jam. You will usually find me down at El Chameleon’s. That’s where I mainly hang out. It’s a biker bar.

OLD MAN

I heard about that place. It’s out on the highway at the edge of town. It’s a little rough. Another dive bar like this place here, The Last Chance Saloon. Only, this place, this is the end of the line—this is where hopes and dreams come to die, isn’t what you said? You have nothing to worry about because there’s nothing left to lose and no place else to go.

MARIA

(Pours another shot of tequila and sets it down in front of OLD MAN)

Don’t be so desperate, Old Man. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am sure everything will look better to you in the morning.

OLD MAN

I don’t know. There’s nothing left to believe in anymore. And I don’t even know if there’s going to be another morning.

MARIA

Why do you say that?

OLD MAN

Because civilization is doomed.

MARIA

Wow! Getting heavy again. I think I might need a drink on that one. What makes you say that Old Man?

OLD MAN

Just look around you. Global Warming. Genocide. Wars and rumors of war. We live under a cloud of dread, fear, and loathing. The threat of thermonuclear war hanging over our heads like the sword of Damocles.                                                                  

MARIA (pouring herself a drink)

I don’t know. Things seem mighty peaceful around here to me. At least they did up until a few minutes ago. I don’t know anything about wars and rumors of war. Besides, what can we do about it?

OLD MAN

Nothing! That’s the point. The whole world is out of control. It’s upside down, inside out, and crazy on top. It’s a mad, mad, mad world. Do the words mutually assured destruction mean anything to you?

MARIA

No señor, I have no clue what you are talking about.

OLD MAN

Well, it’s like this. Russia has a bunch of nuclear-armed missiles aimed at us, and we have a bunch of missiles aimed at them. If one side fires, the other side will fire back. Both countries will be destroyed. Mutually assured destruction, so to speak. And if that happens, it will likely trigger a nuclear winter. You can say adios to the human race.

MARIA

¡Qué loco!

                                                            OLD MAN

Yeah, it’s crazy, all right! That’s why they call it MAD. I’ve pretty much lost my faith in humanity.                   

MARIA

Damn! Don’t you believe in anything?

OLD MAN

Damn is right! No, I really don’t. I believe in this right here, Jim Beam. Put a cold one in my hand. Like I said, man is doomed. Ever since I heard about the ovens of Auschwitz, I’ve abandoned all hope. Man’s dreams have gone up in smoke, just like the smoke in those chimneys.                                           

MARIA

Now, what are you talking about? Are you sure that’s not the booze talking?

OLD MAN

No, it’s not the booze talking. Jim Beam is a friend of mine, and we go back a long way. Listen to this.  In World War II, the Germans incinerated six million Jews as part of what they called the Final Solution.

MARIA

Oh yes! The so-called holocaust. Yes, we studied that in school. But señor, that is like ancient history to me. And we have our own problems here in Mexico.

OLD MAN

Nothing like that.

MARIA

No, but listen to this. A year ago, the cartel cut off the heads of six of their rivals and placed them on the highway just as you come into town to teach them a lesson and send out a message.

OLD MAN

Jesus! That’s gruesome! But it goes to prove my point. How can you live with that?                                                                                                

MARIA

I try not to think about it. It’s actually pretty unusual. Chihuahua is usually fairly calm and quiet. And I will not live in fear.

OLD MAN

No. That is no good. One shouldn’t live in fear. That’s why I drink, to take the edge off having to live another day in hell.

MARIA

But I do worry about los desaparecidos.

OLD MAN

The missing?

MARIA

Sí.

OLD MAN

You mean the missing girls of Juarez?                                 

MARIA

Sí. Not just Juarez. All over Mexico. Wherever you have cartels, you have missing girls.                 

OLD MAN

You think it’s the drug lords who kidnapped the girls?

MARIA

Who else?

OLD MAN

Why do they kill them?

MARIA

Who knows? For fun.  When you have more money than God and the moral depravity of a serial killer, what else do you do for kicks?

OLD MAN

Truly horrible. Man’s inhumanity never ceases to amaze me.

                                                            MARIA

I will remember one of the missing girls by dressing up as her and carrying a placard with her name in the Dia de Muertos parade.

OLD MAN

I have a friend in the States who is an artist. She makes paintings of these girls. What is the name of the girl you will honor?

            MARIA

Silvia Morales.

OLD MAN

Silvia Morales?

MARIA

Sí.

OLD MAN

Do you believe in coincidence, Maria?

MARIA

I have heard of them, señor, but no, I don’t really believe in them.

OLD MAN

Neither do I. But I do believe in synchronicity. I connect the dots and look for patterns, and when I see them, I pay attention. They are like signposts guiding my way. And that is what ultimately led me here. To you. Tonight.                    

MARIA

What are you talking about?

                        OLD MAN

I have a picture of Silvia Morales in my apartment that was painted by my friend Diane Kahlo.         

MARIA

Oh, sí, that is a coincidence, Old Man.

OLD MAN

You must let me march with you. I will carry the portrait of Silvia Morales in the parade while marching by your side.

                                    MARIA

Sí. I think it is a good idea, señor. We will march together.

OLD MAN

We will do this in remembrance of the lost girls and to give them a voice.

MARIA

Sí. We must not forget them. They were seres humanos, just like you and me.

OLD MAN

Well, it’s settled then.  I think now, I will take my leave. (Raising his glass to MARIA). I will go home. I will lie down in my bed and try to fall asleep.  I am probably not the only one in town who has trouble sleeping at night. I will think of you, Maria, and I will see you in my dreams, where I will be a lot younger, and you will be even more beautiful if that’s possible, and we will make love under the willow trees. Maybe tomorrow I will find a place where I can sit and read in peace and wait for that big, long, last sleep. I will see you on the Day of the Dead.

MARIA

Good night, Old Man. Sweet dreams. Come back and see me before the parade.

OLD MAN

I will. You know, Maria, once I had a dream that I was a butterfly.

MARIA

¿A butterfly, señor?

OLD MAN

Sí. A butterfly. And ever since I had that dream, I always wondered: am I a man dreaming he is a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he is a man?

                        MARIA

Well, what are you, Old Man? Are you a butterfly or a man?

OLD MAN

I don’t know, but I’ve got a crazy sensation that something’s not right. But if I am a butterfly, that must make you, Maria Flores.

MARIA

Hahaha! How did you know? I didn’t tell you.

OLD MAN

I don’t know. That’s how it works. See what I mean?

MARIA

Dios mio! I think I am beginning to understand.

Light slightly shifts

OLD MAN

I thought you might. Now I will say buenas noches. See you in my dreams.

OLD MAN climbs off his stool and slowly walks out of the bar. Beat. MARIA stands alone for a moment while the light shifts back, absorbing what just happened, then crosses over to CORA and RON.

MARIA

How are we doing over here, amigos? Can I get you anything else?

RON

What do you think, Cora? You want to stay for another one?

CORA

Sure, why not?

RON

Okay. Another round. Hey. Can I ask you a question?

MARIA

That is a question, señor. Do you have another one?                                                            

RON

Yes. I mean, sí. I mean, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

MARIA

I don’t know, señor. Where do you think you might have seen me?

RON

At El Chameleon’s. Weren’t you there last night?

MARIA

Sí. But I don’t remember seeing you last night. Were you there?

RON

Yeah, we were both there. The band let me sit in with them for a few songs.

MARIA

Oh! That was you! Oh yes, I remember now. You have a nice voice.

RON

Thanks! Yeah, that’s one of my favorite places to go in Chihuahua. They have open mics on Thursdays.

MARIA

Mine too. The bartender is my ex and the father of my daughter. He sometimes lets me drink for free.

RON

Well, maybe I’ll see you down there sometime.

MARIA

Sí, maybe you will. I’ll get the drinks.

MARIA clears the table and heads back over to the bar to prepare the drinks.

CORA

Who knows? You might just get lucky.

RON

I’m not trying to get lucky. I was just trying to make conversation. Besides, she is way too young for me.

CORA

You never know. This is Mexico. Anything could happen.

RON

That’s true. That’s true.

Silence. MARIA brings the drinks over to the table.

MARIA

How long are you folks going to be in Mexico?

CORA

We are going to stay until after the celebration.

MARIA

Dia de Muertos?

CORA

The Day of the Dead. Yes. I understand it is a pretty big deal around here.

MARIA

Sí. A very big deal. As a matter of fact, I will be participating in the parade.

CORA

Oh really. What will you be doing?

                        MARIA

I will be one of the dead.

Silence

MARIA (cont.)

Well, enjoy your drinks. I will check on you later.

CORA

Did you hear that, Ron? She is going to be in the parade on the Day of the Dead.

RON

Yeah, I heard her. I can’t wait to see her in her costume. Probably be worth taking a picture.

CORA

Did you bring your camera?

RON

Yes, but I will probably just use my cell phone. It takes just as good pictures as my camera.

CORA

Better.

RON

How would you know? You couldn’t take a good picture if your life depended on it. Lord knows I have tried to teach you.

CORA (laughing)

I know, I know!

RON (Raising his glass)

A toast!          

CORA (raises hers and they clink glasses.)

What are we drinking to?

RON

Here’s to the United States Constitution and confusion to her enemies!

CORA (laughing)

What’s that supposed to mean?

RON

I don’t know. Just some crazy shit I like to say.

They both drink.

CORA

Well, what do you want to do now, Ron?

RON

I dunno. I guess go back to the hotel and see what Nadine and Jeffery are doing.

CORA

Last I heard, they were fighting.

RON

What are they fighting about?

CORA

Oh, what do most married couples fight about? They both have such colossal egos they can’t even ride in the same car together. Nadine was so mad when they got to the hotel after they arrived from the airport, she threatened to go back home…in a taxi. Well, that didn’t work out.        

When she finally calmed down, Jeffery came down to the lobby to retrieve her luggage and hauled it back up to their room. They decide to call a truce for the duration of the trip. I think they are going to see a Flamenco dancer tomorrow night at the Luna and Sol Hotel. You want to go?

RON

Maybe. Let me think about it. I’m not crazy about Flamenco dancers.

CORA

All right. Let me know. Meantime, let’s get out of here. This place is starting to give me the creeps. All that talk about being dead and all. What’s that about anyway?

RON

You mean The Day of the Dead?                              

CORA

Yeah.

RON

It’s a celebration in remembrance of the departed. It’s celebrated all over Mexico. People dress up, they have altars, and they prepare gifts and food for the dead.

CORA

All right. I get it. I’m just not crazy about the idea, though.

RON

All right, let’s go. I’ll pay the tab.

RON crosses to the bar where MARIA is and pays the tab. CORA gets up and gathers her things, and as they head for the exit, a shift in the light. They try the door, but it is locked, and they can’t get out. RON and CORA look at each other.

Fade to Black

Scene 3

The next afternoon. At Rise: In front of the Last Chance Saloon. OLD MAN is sitting at his table reading a book and having a drink. Pepe and Tito are huddling together at a table inside near the front. PEPE crosses over to where the OLD MAN is sitting.

PEPE

Buenas tardes, señor. I see that you are back.

OLD MAN

Sí, señor. And I would like a drink.

PEPE

What will it be today, Old Man?

OLD MAN

Same as usual. Whisky and Soda.

PEPE goes back inside to make the drink.

OLD MAN

I don’t know when I started talking to myself when I was alone. Sometime after Cassie died, I suspect. Oh well, I find that I am in good company when I am alone. Here I am again, sitting in this sad little café, reading my book… Yet, somehow, I just can’t shake the feeling that the time is all out of joint.          

PEPE

Here you are, Old Man. You better drink it up quick, because we are about to get off work and we have to clean up.

            OLD MAN

¡No problema, amigo! You just go and do what you have to do, and I will sit here and enjoy my drink and read my book.

PEPE

What are you reading, señor?

OLD MAN holds up the book for PEPE to inspect. PEPE takes the book, reads the title, and pages through it.

PEPE

The Divine Comedy. Where you are going, Old Man, I don’t think you will need your Dante.

PEPE hands the book back to OLD MAN and goes back inside. He and TITO begin to clean up and get ready to leave.

PEPE

That was quite a storm we had last night.

TITO

Sí, it was very scary—thunder and lightning. The ground shook, and fire fell from the sky. The graves in the old cemetery opened up and disgorged their dead.

PEPE

Yesterday I saw a mountain lion roaming the streets.

TITO

I heard the screeching of an owl in the outdoor market.

A short pause while they wipe tables.

PEPE (Looking over his shoulder)

Not a very good sign, amigo. And today we are supposed to have sandstorms.

TITO

If it gets any hotter, there will be another spontaneous combustion. And then there was the fire last night.

PEPE

Fire? What fire?

TITO

The Hotel Victoria. It burned to the ground. A total loss. No survivors.

PEPE

Aye yai yai! We better get out of here now, amigo, while the getting is good.

TITO

Sí. Before we both end up dancing at the end of a rope without music.

PEPE

When the chimes ring at midnight, the Day of the Dead will begin.

PEPE and TITO finish cleaning up and get ready to go.

OLD MAN

Those two are a couple of clowns. Well, I guess it’s time for me to go. I’ll come back later tonight to see Maria. I’m sure she’ll be here.

OLD MAN rises from his seat and throws some pesos onto the table. He slowly ambles off stage as the lights fade out. We hear the sounds of wind picking up and slowly fading with the light.

Scene 4

Later that night. A rise: We hear the sound of the wind howling outside, vibrating the shutters and the door. OLD MAN enters through the door and closes it behind him. He pushes his back against the door and holds it against the wind. The sound of the wind fades. On the jukebox, Hotel California is playing. MARIA is behind the bar, and RON and CORA are sitting at a table. OLD MAN crosses to the bar and takes a seat. Music fades.

MARIA

Buenas noches, señor. ¿Cómo estás esta noche?

OLD MAN

Not too bad, all things considered.

                                                MARIA

Yeah, like what?

OLD MAN

Considering the utter futility of our existence in a meaningless and godless universe.

MARIA

Hijole! That is some serious stuff, amigo! Well, I think once again you have come to the right place. May I offer you something to drink to take the edge off?

OLD MAN

Sí, that would be nice.

MARIA

What would you like to have?

OLD MAN

Whisky. Do you have any Angel’s Envy?

MARIA

Oh no, señor, we haven’t had that spirit here since 1969. Long before I was born.

OLD MAN

Heaven’s Gate?

MARIA

No señor.                                                        

OLD MAN

Jack Daniel’s?

MARIA

Sí, we have Jack Daniel’s.

OLD MAN

Ok. I’ll have Jack Daniel’s on the rocks.

MARIA

Well, Ok, then! ¡Un momento, por favor!

MARIA turns to make the drink.

OLD MAN

It’s getting dark out…too dark to see. The Day of the Dead starts tomorrow. This is my last chance. Tomorrow I’ll be dead. Tomorrow she’ll be dead. Tonight, I shall cross over to the other side. If I am lucky, Maria will have my back and guide me across. Hand in hand, we will traverse the portal. Together we will go through the gates of hell and descend to the center of the earth. There we will meet the dark one who will flap his mighty wings and cause a powerful wind to rise. When hell freezes over, we will climb out of the pit and ascend the mountain. Once we reach the summit, I will find my wife and daughter waiting for me at the end of the world in Paradise.

MARIA turns around and sets a drink on the bar in front of OLD MAN

                                    OLD MAN

Muchas Gracias.                                            

MARIA

De nada. What have you been up to, Old Man?

OLD MAN

Not much. Same old, same old. Doing a little reading, trying to write. Contemplating the end of the universe. Will it end in a whimper or a bang? You know. That sort of thing.

MARIA

Well, how about a little music to cheer you up, Old Man? I have a little surprise for you. Something for you to think about and to raise your spirits.

OLD MAN

Sure, why not?

MARIA crosses to the jukebox to study the selections. She is bathed in the light of the machine. She is wearing tan shorts and a low-cut blouse and is gently swaying as she makes her selection. She inserts some coins and punches some buttons, and we hear the mechanical arm pick up the record, and the music begins to play. The jukebox presents a palpable presence, almost like a living entity. Maria selects Down in Mexico by the Coasters. She turns around and leans momentarily against the jukebox, then launches herself across the room towards OLD MAN. Then she begins an erotic dance as she gyrates across the floor, center stage. She has captured the attention of the others in the bar as they gather around to watch her dance. She gestures to the OLD MAN to join her. He hesitates. She crosses to him, still dancing, and pulls him off his stool. They dance a few bars, then she pushes him down in a chair and gives him a quasi-table dance. The dance proceeds for the duration of the song and leads to a spectacular finish with Maria ending by sitting on OLD MAN’S lap.

MARIA

How was that?

OLD MAN

Pretty damn spectacular!

MARIA laughs and leads OLD MAN back over to the bar, where they resume their conversation. The others go back to what they were doing.

CORA

Well, Ron, it looks like we’re stuck here. We might as well make the most of it.

RON

Yeah. At least we have plenty of spirits here to keep us company. You want another drink?

CORA

Sure. Why not?

RON

I’ll call Maria over. See if I can get her attention.

RON looks over in the direction of MARIA, who is at the bar talking to OLD MAN. He waves his hand at her. She notices out of the corner of her eye and crosses over to their table.

MARIA

Sí, señor. What can I get for you?

RON

What do you want, Cora?

            CORA

Mm, I think I’ll have a Blackberry Mojito this time. Can you make one of those for me?

                                                                                                                                                                                    MARIA

Sí. That is our specialty. And for you, sir?

            RON

I’ll just have a Jim Beam on the rocks.

MARIA heads back over to the bar to make the drinks.

                        CORA

I suppose Nadine must be mad at me.

RON

Nadine? Why?

                                    CORA

When we were out dancing the other night, Jeffery asked me to dance to a slow one.

RON

So?

                                                            CORA

While we were dancing, he let his hand drift down to the crack of my ass.                                         

RON

Why should she be mad at you about that?

CORA

I let it stay there.

Silence

            CORA (cont.)

You know, Ron, there are three things women don’t share.

RON

Yeah, what’s that?

            CORA

Our panties, our vibrators, or our men.

            RON

Well, I’m glad to see that you have some principles.

CORA rolls her eyes

            RON

Oh! An eye-roll! The first one tonight. What next, a drum roll?

CORA

What would you prefer? Knowing you, you would probably like a drum roll.

RON

A drum roll would be nice.

MARIA brings the drinks and clears the table.

            CORA (yelling out)

Hey! Anybody want my pineapple?

RON

No. But I’ll take your cherry.

CORA

Sorry, Ron. Somebody got that a long time ago.

RON (fondling her neck)

You know, Cora, it looks like we might be here a long time.

            CORA

Don’t touch me!

            RON

Why not? I’ve had the hots for you a long time. I think now is our moment.

            CORA

Oh, leave me alone, Ron!

                                                RON (Throwing his hand up)

All right! All right! I just thought that since we will be spending eternity together, you might just have a change of heart.      

CORA

Whatever do you mean?

                        RON

Don’t you get it yet, Cora?  We are prisoners here. Prisoners of our own desire.

Silence                       

Just then, the wind picks up and blows the door open. In there steps Joe, from the other night. He has a demented and haunted look about him. He closes the door and holds it tight against the wind. He takes the handkerchief off his face and knocks the dust off his clothes.

JOE

It’s not fit for man nor beast out there!                                                         

            OLD MAN

I thought you were going on a Tequila factory tour today.                                                               

JOE (Crossing to the bar)

We were, but it was canceled because of this sandstorm. We’re going to the bullfights tomorrow afternoon instead…if this storm ever lets up.

MARIA

What can I get you to drink, señor?

JOE

Beer and a shot!

MARIA

What beer and what shot?

                        JOE

Dos Equis and Don Julio!

MARIA turns to make the drinks. JOE sits on a stool beside OLD MAN.

OLD MAN

Bullfights, eh? I haven’t been to a bullfight in a long time.

JOE

Bullfights? You? I thought you said you lost your taste for killing.

OLD MAN

I did, but I never lost my fascination with death.

                                                            JOE

When was the last time you went to a bullfight, Old Man?

OLD MAN

I went to a bullfight in the place where they invented bullfighting.

JOE

Yeah? Where’s that? 

OLD MAN

Spain. A few years back, I went to Pamplona for the Festival of St. Fermin. I’d always wanted to run with the bulls. Ever since I read that book by Hemingway, it appealed to the romantic in me, you might say. Finally got the chance, so I went.

JOE

Really? Well, that’s pretty impressive. How old were you?

OLD MAN

It was the year I turned 70.

                        JOE

Amazing! Were there any other old codgers out there on the run?

OLD MAN

No señor. Only me. Most of the others were young men in their 20s.

JOE

Well, what was it like? How was it to run with the bulls in Pamplona?

OLD MAN

It was exhilarating.

JOE

I’ll bet! Tell me about it. What’d you do?

OLD MAN

We arrived in Pamplona a few days before the run. On the first day, I toured the bull run. On the second day, I observed a run from the safety of our balcony. On the third day, I ran with the bulls. I gave them a head start, and when I saw them rounding the corner, I charged into the crowd. I had to keep my head on a swivel and watch all around me so I wouldn’t trip over others who had fallen, and I had to keep an eye on the bulls that were running wild in the streets. If you fell, you were a goner. Many people were gored and taken to the hospital. Not me. The bulls caught up to me and kept running. I ran after them. They ran into the bull ring, and we followed them. Some of the bulls caught up with the runners and tossed them up over their heads, and they fell onto the sand. It was chaos for a good while. I left the bull ring and stopped at a bar on the way back and had a cognac and chocolate milk to celebrate. I tell you, it was exciting!

JOE

I’ll bet! Did you go to the bullfight later?

OLD MAN

I did. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it. Like I told you, I had lost my taste for killing, but I was still fascinated by death and dying. And it was on that hot afternoon in July that I witnessed the tragedy of the bull.

JOE

Tragedy?

OLD MAN

Yes. You see, bullfighting is not exactly a sport. There is danger for the man, but certain death for the bull. It’s complicated and a great spectacle. I must admit it held my attention and my admiration for the matadors.

JOE

Have you ever gone back?

OLD MAN

No, señor. But I will never forget that day.

JOE

Well, here’s to the tragedy of the bull!

They both raise their glasses, salute, and drink.

JOE

You said it was complicated. Maybe you could give me a couple of pointers. Tell me what to look for.    

OLD MAN (Suddenly very animated)

I’ll do better than that. I’ll demonstrate! You will be the bull, and I will be the matador. Maria! Do you have any knives back there?

            MARIA

Sí, señor. We have some butcher knives and knives for cutting sandwiches.

OLD MAN

Ok. Let me have three.

OLD MAN crosses to an empty table and yanks off a red tablecloth. MARIA rummages around behind the bar and produces three sharp knives.

OLD MAN (cont.)

This will be my muleta.

OLD MAN does a flourish with the tablecloth, which he is using as a cape. MARIA brings him the knives. He selects one and sights along the blade on an imaginary place on the bull where the black hump of muscle is located between the bull’s shoulder blades.

OLD MAN

Now, Joe. Take these other two knives and tie them to the legs of one of these chairs.

OLD MAN goes again to the empty table, grabs a chair, turns it upside down, and brings it over to Joe, along with the other two knives.

JOE

How am I supposed to do that?

OLD MAN

Here!

OLD MAN crosses to the table where RON and CORA are sitting.

(Indicating their cloth napkins) Do you mind if I borrow these?

                                                CORA

Hey! What the ….

They stare up at him wide-eyed in wonder. OLD MAN grabs their napkins and takes them over to Joe.

OLD MAN

Use these.

JOE proceeds to tie the handles of the knives to the legs of the chairs with the cloth napkins while the OLD MAN continues his monologue about bullfighting.

OLD MAN (cont.)

Bullfighting is a meeting between a wild animal and a man. He is facing an animal that is trying to kill him. The matador must dominate the bull. This he does with beauty and grace. There are three acts in the Tragedy of the Bull. Act I: the Picadors, Act II, the banderilleros, and Act III: the matador. The matador has 15 minutes to kill the bull.

As he is speaking, Old MAN continues to sight along the blade of his knife as if it were a sword at the place on the top of the shoulders of the imaginary bull.

OLD MAN (cont.)

In Act I, the bull enters the ring and charges the picadors. The picador drives the steel point of his pic into the shoulder of the bull and leans heavily on the shaft. He must tire the bull. A bugle is sounded, and the picadors leave the ring.  Then the second act begins.

As OLD MAN speaks, he dramatically acts out the parts, waving the knife around in the air.

OLD MAN (cont.)

Act II are the banderillas: Pairs of 3-foot-long sticks with harpoon-shaped steel points are placed two at a time in the bull’s neck. They slow the bull down and determine the carriage of his head. This act takes about 5 minutes. After three or four pairs of banderillas have been placed in the bull’s neck, the final act begins. First, a toast is made to the bull by the matador. The matador then works with the muleta to master the bull and prepares him for the kill. (Again, he is acting out the scene) Finally, he lowers the bull’s head with the muleta and kills the animal by thrusting a sword high between its shoulder blades. This is the moment of truth. And now, amigo, Act III. Let us begin. Make three charges, and I will show you how I work the cape.

JOE

I don’t know, Old Man. This might be dangerous!

OLD MAN

Dangerous? Of course, it is dangerous!

JOE

I don’t think we better do this.

OLD MAN

Why not?

JOE

Because somebody might get hurt.

OLD MAN

But that’s part of the excitement.

JOE

Aren’t you afraid?

OLD MAN

Yes, I am afraid. Fear is a very important part of the whole experience. If it were not for fear, every shoe-shine boy in Mexico would be a bullfighter. It takes courage to fight the bull. The bullfighter controls his fear.

JOE

But these knives are razor sharp. They could rip you to pieces.

OLD MAN

So can the horns of the bull.

JOE

That takes courage!

OLD MAN

Courage comes from the heart and goes to the head. And when it goes away, it is a bad thing in bullfighting. Sometimes, when you get wounded, it brings on the fear of death. The second time, it takes it away.

JOE

What is the attraction? Why do they do it?

OLD MAN

It’s the feeling of immortality that you get when working with the cape, and the feeling the bullfighter gives the spectators as he plays with death, bringing it closer and closer. It gives you

OLS MAN (Cont.)

the feeling of immortality as you watch it, and it becomes yours when he proves it with the sword. Now, enough of this talk. Let’s fight! Make three passes at me.

JOE

How will you know when to cut the pass?

OLD MAN

I’ll know. Come straight at me like a bull. Hey, toro! Toro!

JOE puts the chair with the knives bound to its legs over his head with the knives pointing out like horns. The others gather around to watch. He lowers his head and charges forward towards OLD MAN. As JOE makes his first pass, OLD MAN works the cape. The knives pass close to OLD MAN’s belly.

EVERYONE

Ole!

JOE turns to make another pass.

OLD MAN

Toro! Toro!

JOE charges again. OLD MAN works the cape in a full veronica. Again, the knives’ blades pass close to his belly.

EVERYONE

Ole!

JOE sets himself for the third pass. He makes his charge. The lights flicker and dim. OLD MAN steps two inches too far forward, and the knife does not pass. OLD MAN slumps forward onto the chair. His shirt becomes stained red with his blood. MARIA screams. RON and CORA shout out.

RON AND CORA

No! Oh no!

CORA (Rising)

Ron, do something!

JOE

I’ll get it out! I’ll get it out!

Joe pulls back on the chair, and the knives’ blades are released from OLD MAN’s belly. MARIA runs around the bar and cradles OLD MAN as he slumps to the floor. She presses a cloth napkin against his wound.

JOE

Oh! I’m sorry! I am so sorry. How bad is it, Old Man?

OLD MAN

It’s a mere flesh wound. But I fear I will be a grave man by morning.

MARIA

Don’t say that, Old Man. You are going to be all right. Don’t die on me!

JOE

I knew it was too dangerous. We shouldn’t have done it.

OLD MAN

It’s OK. You are doing me a favor.

JOE

Aren’t you afraid to die?

OLD MAN

No, señor. I welcome it. Cowards die many times, but the brave taste death just once.

OLD MAN stares into the rafters as if the ceiling has opened up to the night sky. A single heavy church bell starts to toll in the distance. It slowly strikes 12 throughout the remaining dialogue.

MARIA

(Her voice softening, shifting from panic to supernatural calm)

Stay with me, Old Man. Don’t go yet.

OLD MAN

I will stay with you, Maria. I am counting on you to be my guide. Show me the way.

MARIA

I will. I will lead you forward to an eternal place. We will cross the river together.

OLD MAN

Love has called me here.

MARIA

And Love will be your guide. I am here to lead you to the other shore, into the eternal darkness…into the fire and ice. We’ll march together. I will see you next lifetime, Old Man.

They gaze into each other’s eyes while the others are frozen in tableau. The light shifts subtly on the stroke of midnight. The sound of the wind picks up and then fades as the light fades to black.

Scene 5

The next morning. At Rise: PEPE is sitting at a table in front of the Last Chance Saloon, reading a newspaper and drinking coffee. TITO is sweeping the sidewalk. Dogs can be heard barking in the distance.

TITO

I wonder what became of the Old Man. He didn’t come in yesterday for his afternoon drink.

PEPE

You didn’t hear about what happened to him?

            TITO

No. What happened to Old Man?

PEPE

They found him early yesterday morning in the bedroom of his apartment. They had to cut him down.

TITO

Poor devil. I guess he just couldn’t wait it out any longer.                                                               

PEPE

No. Once you get used to the big wrongs of life, the little ones wake up with their little mean teeth and bite you on the ass.

TITO

I guess that’s right. No rest for the wicked. Now, maybe Old Man will find a little peace. But who knows what dreams may come after waking up on the other side?

PEPE

I don’t know about all that, amigo. I think when you’re dead, you’re dead. We are all just gorillas running around in the mist with a hank of hair and a funny little thing called a pipe dream to keep us going, and when your string runs out, it’s over. Sleep is good, death is better, and best of all is never to be born. We are here on earth, and there is no cure for that.

TITO

Amen, brother. When it’s over, it’s over.

PEPE resumes reading his newspaper and drinking his coffee. TITO resumes sweeping the sidewalk. Dogs barking in the background. Fade to black.

End of Play

Podcast Episode: Night at the Museum

Pip: Ghost Dog is the kind of site where you go for a quiet afternoon at the Frick and come back with an existential crisis — which, honestly, is the correct use of a museum.

Mara: Today we're covering a piece by Benn Bell about a chance encounter with a Renaissance painting that turns into something much harder to explain. Let's start with what he found on that wall.

Night at the Museum

Pip: The setup here is almost mundane — last afternoon in New York, a detour away from the crowded rooms, a small panel in a dimly lit alcove marked simply Unknown Painter. The question the post is really asking is: what happens when the past looks back at you with your own face?

Mara: The painting stops him cold, and he describes it this way: "It wasn't just a shock; it was a physical sensation of disorientation."

Pip: That line does a lot of work. This isn't aesthetic admiration — something in the body registers before the mind catches up. The stakes are personal in a way that a museum visit almost never is.

Mara: He dates the work to circa 1505, notes the sfumato on the skin tones and the deep Renaissance pigments, and describes a double portrait — a silver-haired man in a cream doublet, a dark-curled woman in velvet, her arm around his neck, rings and a decorative chain bracelet rendered in meticulous detail. What he doesn't say yet is why any of that should matter to him personally.

Pip: Right — and the withholding is deliberate. He pulls out his phone, opens his photo roll, and the post earns its turn.

Mara: He puts it plainly: "There was no mistake. It was beyond likeness." The contours, the proportions, the individual expressions — he's comparing the painting directly to a photograph of himself and someone named Robin, and he finds them identical.

Pip: Five hundred years of paint and pigment, and the artist got the specific curvature of a nose right. That's either the most extraordinary coincidence in art history or something the post is deliberately leaving unnamed.

Mara: He closes on that ambiguity. The phrase he uses is "a revelation of continuity I wasn't prepared to receive." He photographs the painting, the plaque, and his own hand holding the reference photo next to the canvas — assembling proof for someone who wasn't there.

Pip: Robin, specifically. Who he's certain won't believe him. Which is a reasonable position to hold until you see the evidence.


Mara: What stays with me is that word — continuity. Not reincarnation, not coincidence. Something quieter and harder to dismiss.

Pip: The Frick as a place where time gets unreliable. More from Ghost Dog next time.

Fear and Loathing on the Way to Galveston

A trip to the heart of the American Dream

The White Whale as captured by the author

I drove the 117 miles to Owensboro and arrived at Buddha’s in the early afternoon. This was the first leg of our journey to the heart of the American Dream. I gassed up the White Whale, a 2011 gas guzzling Nissan Maxima, the day before, and put together a road trip mix to listen to on our way down to Galveston. We were going to Galveston to recapture our past and rekindle a friendship that had cooled off over the years.

We had both been to Galveston before and though we had separate memories we were both eager to see her pretty sea wall, hear the sea wind blowing, and see her dark eyes glowing.  

I like to listen to the sounds of the 60s while on a road trip with nothing else on my mind but driving fast, grooving to the music, and avoiding the law if at all possible.

Daniel “Buddha” Hildenbrandt was one of my oldest friends and a spiritual adviser. He was also a teacher at the local community college. He taught communications and was fond of saying, “the main problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

We called him Buddha because of the pudgy nature of his physique. He just looked like a Buddha.

When I got to his place, we watched TV until about 5:30 pm when his daughter, Mara, arrived to fetch a key. After she left, we went out to get a bite to eat at Owensboro’s one and only Sushi place. I knew it was going to be a problem when I noticed the chefs behind the sushi bar were Mexican. I had the Hibachi Chicken. It was terrible.

We went back to Buddha’s place for drinks and more TV. I lucked into a Harold Pinter play on YouTube I’ve been wanting to see: “The Birthday Party,” starring Harold Pinter himself and Joan Plowright, in a BBC production. It was pretty good, but you have to be into Pinter to enjoy it. Buddha wasn’t so he went to bed to read while I watched the rest of the play.

The next day was Friday, October 2. I woke to the news that Donald Trump and Melania Trump both have contracted the coronavirus. Is that karma or what?

We are living in strange times. I was thinking of love in the time of Coronavirus. 1,000,000 dead and Donald Trump was still president. This was before the insurrection at the nation’s capital and Moscow had yet to declare war on Ukraine. The best was yet to come.

We packed and loaded the car. We had to make a pit stop in Evansville so Buddha could see his psychiatrist and check up on his meds. Apparently, I am traveling with a madman. That’s OK. We’re all as mad as hatters here. All the best people are.

We finally got on the road and headed west. I figured to push as far into Arkansas as I possibly could before stopping for the night. We made it to Hope, which was in the first ring of hell. It wasn’t quite dark yet, but it was getting there. We crossed the river Acheron into the abyss. The dreams weren’t broken down there, but they were definitely walking with a limp.

We checked into the Best Western Motel. The maskless clerk behind the desk kept asking us if we wanted one bed or two.

“Two beds, dammit!” Buddha muttered, shaking his shaggy head.

“Do we get a discount?” I asked. “AAA? AARP?”

“Yeah, I’ll give you a discount alright,” the clerk snapped.

“Well, what’s the rate?”

“$75.00 including tax. Do you want one bed or two?”

“Two beds, dammit!”

“OK! Can I see your credit card?”

“Any restaurants in the area?”

“You can Google them and they will deliver.”

“OK. What room?”

“105. Right around the corner.”

Buddha was already heading out the door on his way to the room on foot. I drove around. We unlocked the door and unloaded the car, then took a moment to get settled. Buddha went to get ice.

I Googled the restaurants in the area and found a Pizza Hut and a Dominos. I called both but got put on hold at both places. Well, what could you expect in a little town called Hope, deep in the Arkansas interior? Bill Clinton territory as it were. The town sucked just like Monica Lewinski. Finally, Dominos answered.

“I’ll have a medium Supreme delivered to room 105 at the Best Western Motel, please. When will you deliver it? One hour? Wow! Well, go ahead. We will just have to wait.”

While waiting for the pizza to arrive we made the drinks.

We had picked up some liquor a few exits back. We got separate liquors because Buddha always buys cheap booze and I can’t stand the whiskey he usually gets, so I get something a little better. Turns out he got Ezra Brooks and I got Jack Daniels.

“Well, hell, if I’d a known you were getting Ezra Brooks, I would have drunk your booze. Ezra Brooks ain’t bad!”

“No, you wouldn’t! You’re not drinking my booze! You just drink your Jack Daniels!”

“What the hell Buddha? You don’t think I would have replaced your whiskey? You mean to tell me you wouldn’t have shared?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation right now!”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t.”

“OK.”

We drove the rest of the way in silence.

Meanwhile, back in the motel room, we decided to watch a little TV while waiting for the pizza. It was 9 pm EST and 8 pm Central. Buddha grabbed the remote and engaged the “on” button. TV said, “No Signal.”

“Call the front desk and tell them the TV doesn’t work,” I said.

Buddha grabbed the phone, listened intently, punched the dial hooks repeatedly, looked up wild-eyed.

“No dial-tone! Motherfucker don’t work!”

“Call him on your cell phone.”

Buddha stared at the black desk set and started stabbing the numbers into his cell phone.

“Hello? Yeah, this is Buddha in room 105. The phone don’t work…. I’m calling you on my cell phone…. OK…OK…Ok. That’s not why I’m calling you. The TV don’t work either…OK…. OK…Ok.”

He hung up.

“What’d he say?”

“He said he would come down and try to reboot it himself.”

“Well OK then.”

So, we waited a few minutes, freshened our drinks, and munched on some smoked almonds. Pretty soon there was a knock at the front door.

Buddha let in the night clerk who again was maskless, but he was at least pretty friendly. He took the remote and began trying to reboot the TV.

About that time, we got another knock at the door. It was Dominos. Buddha answered the door. He paid for the pizza, $20.00 including tip.

The smell of the pizza filled the room.

“Wow, if you are getting pizza, I’m getting hungry.” This from the maskless night clerk.

“You want a slice?” I asked.

“No. No.”

The clerk didn’t have any luck getting the TV to work either.

“Let’s see, the TV don’t work, and the phone don’t work. Don’t you think we should get another discount?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’ll give you another discount. I’ll give it to you right now.”

And with that, he left.

Buddha and I just looked at each other and shrugged. Then we devoured the pizza.

A little later on that night, the night clerk showed up with our receipt which included our discounts. All in all, an $85.00 room ended up costing us $65.00. Not bad.

We got up early the next morning and hit the road again right after breakfast. It was around Texarkana when the drugs started kicking in. It was only a matter of time before we would see the bats.

As soon as we crossed the Texas state line the environment seemed to change. The horizon stretched out further, the roads became wider, and the countryside a lot brighter. You could see further in all directions. There were also a lot of Trump signs. We were definitely in Trump country. If there ever was time to be traveling armed, this was it.

Donald Trump. The 45th president of the United States of America was nothing more than a screaming hyena, a barking dog, a snake oil salesman, and a carnival barker. But he held a death grip on American politics for four years, and even though he was impeached twice and lost a fair and free election he still has a death grip on the GOP and a large number of the electorate. One-third of the country thinks the election was stolen and that Joe Biden is not the legitimate president. What a mess! But I digress.

There we were, driving along US Highway 59 with an open road in front of us and Ruby and the Romantics blaring on the radio and I couldn’t help but think that here we are, 20 years into the next century. I remember the 60s as being a beacon of hope when the culture hit a high watermark. If you look back and squint your eyes just right, you can almost see where the crest of the wave finally broke and rolled back. It’s been downhill pretty much ever since.

Next stop: Galveston!

The Old Hermit

 Sitting alone and his dorm room, Kenny Wayne was trying to figure it all out. He was a young college student and he wasn’t at all sure what he wanted to do with his life or how he might become successful in the future. He had a part time job in a local pub serving beer and cheeseburgers. But he knew he wanted much more than that. He reasoned to himself that if he always knew the right time to begin a new project and if he knew the right people to listen to and if he always knew the most important thing to do, he might have some reasonable chance of success.

So, he set about to find the answers to those three questions. He began by talking to his friends and people he worked with and some of his customers. He then talked to school guidance counselors and some of his teachers that he trusted and respected. He talked to family members. He asked them all the same three questions.

One business associate told him that to know the right time for every action one must draw up a detailed plan for everything that needed to be done and schedule it on a calendar. Then execute the plan. In other words, plan your work and work your plan he said.

A guidance counselor told him it was impossible to know beforehand the right time for every action. But if you were always mindful of what needed to be done you will know automatically what to do next.

Still others said it was impossible for one man to decide the right time for every action. He should therefore surround himself with the best possible advisors to help him decide.

But others said some things could not wait to be decided by a committee. They needed to be decided at once. But to make the best possible decision it would be necessary to know what was going to happen in the future. What he needed was a fortuneteller or a crystal ball.

There were similar concerns about the second question. Who were the right people to surround himself with and to listen to? Some said he most needed his friends, others said he needed counselors and psychologists and still others said family members.

The third question: What was the most important occupation? Some of his friends said that the most important occupation was science. His sister told him to go into plastics. Others said business, some said arts and still others said spiritual development was the way to go.

After listening to all this advice, Kenny still couldn’t make up his mind. He decided to consult an individual that he had heard about who lived on the outskirts of town. He lived all alone and had the reputation of being a wise man.

The old hermit lived in a forest. Kenny Wayne drove his battered old pickup truck out to see him. It took him about a half an hour driving along the interstate highway to get there. He went alone wearing simple clothes. He parked his truck at the base of a hill and hiked the rest of the way up a steep and narrow trail. The hermit lived deep in the woods.

When Kenny Wayne reached the cabin where the hermit lived, he saw him outside in a field just to the rear the cabin digging in the dirt. Kenny approached the hermit who noticed him but kept on digging. The hermit was skinny and smallish, and each time he stuck his shovel into the dirt and turned it over he grunted.

Kenny walked up to him and said: “Howdy! Mighty hot day today, ain’t it?” The hermit kept on digging. “I came out here to ask you for some advice. I’ve heard you are a wise man and I was hoping you could answer some questions for me.”

The hermit looked up and leaned against his shovel. He had a blank look on his face.

“How can I learn to do the right thing at the right time? Who are the people I most need in my life and who should I listen to? What are the most important things that I need to do in life?”

The hermit listened but did not answer. He spat tobacco juice on the ground and kept on digging.

“You look like you could use a hand. Here, let me take that shovel from you and do a little work.”

“Thanks!” said the hermit. He handed the shovel to Kenny and sat down on the ground.

When he had dug two rows, Kenny stopped and repeated his questions. The hermit again gave no answer, but rose, stretched out his hand for the shovel.

But Kenny did not give him the shovel, he continued to dig. An hour passed, then another. The sun began to sink behind the trees, and it grew darker. Kenny at last stuck the shovel into the earth.

“I came looking for some answers. If you cannot or will not answer me just tell me and I will be on my way.

Just then then they heard a gunshot.

Kenny Wayne turned around and saw a large bearded man come running out of the woods. The man held his hands pressed against his stomach, and blood was flowing from under them. When he reached the patch of ground where Kenny was standing, he fell to the ground, moaning and writhing in pain. Kenny and the hermit undid the man’s clothing. There was a large wound in his stomach. Kenny washed it as best he could with a jug of water from the cabin, and used a towel as a compress to stanch the bleeding. But the blood would not stop flowing, and Kenny had to remove the towel that was soaked with blood and apply another one. Finally, the blood stopped flowing.

“Hold on there, partner, stay with me!” Kenny cradled the man in his arms.

 Meanwhile the sun went down and it had become completely dark. Kenny and the hermit carried the wounded man into the cabin and laid him on the bed.

Kenny looked at the hermit. “If he doesn’t get medical attention soon, he will die. Do you get cell phone service up here?”

“Young man, I don’t have a cell phone. As you can see, I don’t even have electricity.”

He then struck a match and lit a candle.

“Well, I’m going to try anyway.”

Kenny took out his cell phone and dialed 911. To his pleasant surprise the phone worked.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

Kenny Wayne gave the particulars and described where they were located. They were going to have to life flight the wounded man out on a helicopter. The helicopter couldn’t land so the EMT’s had to fasten the man to a basket and the helicopter crew pulled him up on a cable.

While they were waiting for the EMTs to arrive Kenny asked the man what had happened.

“We were stalking you,” he said. “We were going to rob and kill you when you came back down the trail but you were up here all day so we came up the hill to attack you up here. On my way up I tripped and fell and my gun went off and I shot myself in the abdomen. You saved my life. Can you ever forgive me?”

Soon they heard the sound of the helicopter over head as the rotor blades whirred about and the helicopter stayed in a fixed position over the cabin. Just then the EMTs arrived. Kenny got out of their way so they could do their work. By the time they got the man stabilized and secured on onto the basket Kenny was so exhausted, he sat down on the floor with his back against the wall and promptly fell asleep. He slept through the night.

When he awoke in the morning, he was a bit disoriented and it took him a while to realize where he was. He went outside to look for the hermit. Before leaving he wanted another crack at the hermit to see if he could answer his questions. The hermit was in his garden planting seeds in the earth that had been dug the day before.

“One last time, will you answer my questions, old man?”

“You already have your answers,” said the hermit.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you see? If you had not had compassion for me yesterday by digging those rows for me, that man would have attacked you on your way down the trail and possibly killed you. So, the most important time was when you were digging the rows. I was the most important person to be with, and to help me was the most thing for you to do. Later, when that man ran up to us, the most important time was when you were helping him. If you had not bandaged his wound and stopped the bleeding he would surely have died. So, in that case he was the most important person to be with, and what you did for him was the most important thing to do. So, the answers to your questions are simple: the most important time is now. The most important person is the person who you are with. And the most important thing to do is to be good to that person. That is your main purpose in life and the secret to success.”

The Submarine Races

Johnny Applegate grew up in the sleepy little river town of Louisville, Kentucky, the gateway to the south.  Louisville is primarily known for Churchill Downs and Bourbon, but it had its fair share of pretty girls too.

When he was eighteen-year-old, Johnny bought his first car. He ventured downtown to a dealership by the name of Broadway Motors. His salesman was a guy name of Grundy Hayes. Grundy was a flashy dresser. He wore a green sharkskin suit and sported brown pork pie straw. He always wore a wide smile to greet the customers that lit up his face.

The car Johnny picked out was a 1959 two tone Chevy Bel Air, white over green. It had a manual transmission with a three-speed shift lever on the column. The car had huge tail fins that flattened over like the fin of a great white whale. Johnny paid $800 dollars cash for the car. He had been saving up the money for months. Grundy was only too happy to accommodate and they struck a deal and Johnny drove the car home that day.

Now the car was fine, the only thing it lacked was a radio. So, one day when he had saved up a little more money, Johnny went down to the local junk shop and bought a radio for the car. He had to go out on the lot and find another wrecked Chevy like his so he could harvest the radio and put it in his car. He was in luck and found the one he was looking for. It took him about an hour to uninstall the radio from the wrecked Chevy. When he got it out, he took it up to the front office and made his purchase then went home to install the radio in his own car. While he was at it, he installed two speakers in the rear of the car and surrounded the speakers with a colorful bright orange cloth. Now he was cooking!

Johnny was very happy with the car. He would wash it and polish it in his drive way every Saturday morning. On Saturday night he would pick up his girlfriend, Lynn and some of their other friends and drive out to Cox’s park down on the river. There they had a little party. It was sort of a precursor to the tailgate parties you see today.

Cox’s park was located down along the banks of the Ohio River. In the summertime the grass was of a vivid blue green color and on this particular hot summer night they could smell the fragrance of the freshly mown lawn. It delighted the senses. Johnny parked the car in the spacious parking lot under the spreading leaves a large chestnut tree. From there you could watch the river roll by and the sun go down as the day turned to twilight. Johnny popped the trunk of the car and played the radio real loud. The sound came booming from the rear mounted speakers. Johnny and his friends drank beer and danced in the parking lot. They whooped and hollered and howled at the moon while they were listening to the tunes broadcast from WAKY, a local AM radio station. Bill Bailey, who billed himself the King Kong of the Kilocycles, was the DJ. He played such tunes as Born to be Wild, Dance to the Music, and Those Were the Days. Later, after it got dark, they climbed back into the car and watched the submarine races.

The Thorobred Club Redux

I stopped into the strip club out near the race track early on a Friday night. They had just opened so there wasn’t a whole lot of action going on. Strippers sitting in little clumps here and there. I sat down at the bar and ordered a Budweiser. This is de rigueur for me at strip clubs because its an easy drink to order, it’s cheap, and doesn’t call a lot of attention. Usually a good way to change a twenty and get a lot of singles for the strippers. Strippers love singles.

“What’ll it be Bud?”

“I’ll have a Budweiser, please.”

“This Bud’s for you.”

She opened one of the glass paneled doors covering the refrigerated room back of the bar and retrieved a bottle of beer and set it down before me.

“Just a minute,” she said when I tried to pay her.

They were still opening the joint and she and another barmaid were hovering over the cash register counting money and signing in. It was OK with me. I was in no hurry.

I was sitting there on my bar stool swigging my beer and swiveling around on the stool to check the place out. Back behind me there was a large main stage with two stripper poles. Music was playing in the background. Kind of low for a stripper place I thought. There were tables and chairs in the space between me and the stage. The lighting was low and seductive and of course mirrors everywhere. I had turned back around to the bar facing the mirror on the back wall when I noticed a thin young girl with long brown mousy hair wearing a black athletic jacket heading in my direction. She was wearing black heels. Under the jacket was a nice lingerie set of matching black bra and panties. She was distinguished from the other girls because one, she was wearing a jacket, and two because her lingerie was nicer than the rest. The panties were high waisted and the brassier was rather full, more like a bustier, and while she looked good, she really wasn’t that sexy.

“Hi. What’s your name, cowboy?” She asked.

“Philip”, I answered. “What’s yours?”

She lowered her head and got closer and got a silly grin on her face.

“My real name or my stripper name?” She purred into my ear.

“Well, I always like to know a girl’s real name.”

“We’re not supposed to tell what our real name is.” She dropped her head and laughed. “It’s Crystal. My stripper name is Bella.”

“Oh, Bella! That’s a pretty name!” I was wondering if she knew what it really meant.

She smiled. “Thanks! Yours is pretty too.”

I smiled back.

“I don’t usually do this. I only work a couple days a month. Just enough to make a little money to pay the rent. I’m a single mother. I have a six-year-old daughter at home I have to take care of. She’ll be six in August.”

“Oh really? What day?”

“The ninth. August the ninth.”

“Wow! Really? That’s my birthday too!”

Her smile got bigger.

“Really? You’re a Leo?”

“Yep! Just like your daughter. What’s yours?”

“Scorpio.”

“Oh! The most dangerous sign in the universe!”

“Do you study signs?”

“A little bit. You?”

She nodded her assent.

“Are Leos and Scorpios compatible?”

She laughed and allowed that they were. “I’m very passionate.” She said.

Then she went on about how she didn’t’ drink but that she smoked a lot.

“Weed?”

“Yeah. Buy me a drink?”

“I thought you just said you didn’t drink.”

“I don’t. Except when I come here. I couldn’t do this unless I drank.”

“How much are they? I don’t usually buy girls drinks because they jack the prices up and I don’t like that.”

She grimaced. “I really don’t know. Get me a shot of tequila. I’m going over here to talk to my friend to make sure she is alright. I’ll be right back.”

So, I ordered a shot. I figured if the barmaid thought it was for me, she would just charge me regular price.

“Silver or gold?” She asked.

“Silver.”

She poured a shot and set it down in front of me.

“Lemon or lime?”

“Lemon.”

“You want salt with that?”

“No.”

“That’ll be seven dollars.”

In a few minutes Crystal drifted back over to where I was sitting and spotted the shot of Patron sitting on the bar.

“Where’s your shot?”

“I’m drinking beer.”

This seemed to satisfy her. She picked up the shot of tequila and poured it down her gullet and then sucked on the lemon and made a face.

“Oh, that was awful!”

“The lemon?”

“No, the tequila. I told you I didn’t drink.”

The she proceeded to tell me the story of her life. “You know, when I was younger, I was pretty wild and I did a lot of bad things. My boyfriend was killed right in front of me.”

“Bad drug deal?”

“Yeah. We were sitting in the car together somewhere in the west end and they just shot him right then and there.”

“Jesus!”

“Yeah, that was kind of a wakeup call for me. Ever since then I have been trying to get my act together and turn my life around.” 

“How’s that working out for you?”

She lowered her head again and smiled.

“Hey! Don’t go anywhere. I’m going back over there to check on my friend again.”

So, she walked back over to her friend who was sitting at the other end of the bar.

I figured she be back for another drink but it looked like she got caught up in the conversation with her friend and some others who joined them. Thought it might be a good time to blow so I took the air.

Note: I published this story once before, but this is a new and revised version.

Burger Boy

Flash Fiction

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I was having breakfast in one of my favorite hamburger joints, Burger Boy, down on Burnett Street. I was concentrating on my reading when I noticed a shadow falling over me and a rush of wind as someone walked past. I looked up and caught the figure of a young woman in a black leather jacket. She walked up to the lunch counter and sat on one of the stools that had seats covered in red vinyl.  She ordered some food and then stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. She never came back. She left behind her leather jacket and her purse. The jacket she set on the stool and the purse she set on the counter.  When she spoke to the counter person, she ordered breakfast to go: scrambled eggs and hash browns with rye toast. As I recall, officer, when I looked up from the book I was reading, I noticed a single black female, short in stature, with long black hair and fake eyelashes. She was wearing a black ball cap with the black leather jacket. The jacket had silver studs on the collar and along the half circle for each of her shoulders. She had on tight blue jeans and brown suede fringed moccasins that went half way up her well-shaped calves. There was a red leather purse with a gold chain sitting on the counter in front of her. It’s still there. I figured her for a pretty wild character. Judging by the way she was dressed she might have been a working girl. Although I, doubt it. She had an air of confidence about and looked like she wouldn’t take shit from anyone. Especially a pimp.

I noticed just before she went outside, she kept glancing at her cell, scrolling through her messages. Yeah, she might have been an independent all right. When she turned around to leave was when I witnessed and felt the full force of her great beauty. She was quite a looker. Shame about what happened. Do you think you will catch the guy?

The Monty Hall Problem

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My young friend Victoria had been wanting to take me to this speakeasy she knew about downtown for the longest. We had our chance the other night to go so we went. Only thing is you can’t just show up, you have to be invited. So, Victoria went through the necessary machinations to secure our invite and we showed up on time in our finest costumes for the occasion.

We walked through the unprepossessing door from an alley off Main Street. We entered a small cubbyhole of a space manned by two standing gentlemen and a woman seated at a desk in front of a locked door which was located directly behind them.

“Papers, please.”

We showed our IDs and it was dutifully checked against a roster resting on the desk. When our names were found the woman handed our ID’s back and slightly nodded to the gentleman guarding the door. He swung it wide and we stepped through to the top of a sharply declining stairwell.

As we made our way down the steep stairway, I couldn’t help but notice the atmosphere changing with each step. The air seemed to grow denser as if perfumed by some unknown censer. The lighting changed gradually and it seemed to give off a soft reddish glow. The temperature was getting colder by degrees the lower we went. At the bottom of the steps we were greeted by our smiling host. In the background we could hear music of the period playing and I swear I could hear the strains of “Put on a Happy Face.”

“Step this way please.”

We followed our host past a long and rather ornate wooden bar into the inner sanctum of Hell or High Water to our assigned seating.  We arrived at a small round glass topped table flanked by two high backed leather chairs. He placed two drink menus in front of us and said, “Your server will be with you shortly.”

We looked the menu over and tried to decide what specialty cocktail to order. When the server came over, I decided to ask for a recommendation.

“Do you like the smell of smoke or leather?” he asked.

I allowed as I did.

“Well then, I recommend Sparks Fly.”

I took a look at that and saw it contained Mezcal, Cardamaro, Benedictine, Crème de Cacao, and Gun Powder Proof Rum.  Sounded like an explosive concoction.

“Ok. I’ll try that.”

Victoria had the Devil’s Advocate, which was fitting.

I looked behind me at the room and on the back wall was a gigantic bookcase filled with books. The lighting was extremely dimmed and the music hushed.

As we sat sipping our drinks and soaking up the atmosphere, I was searching my head for something unfoolish to say.  Victoria is such a good listener I wanted to come up with a good story that would put her in awe and elicit her rapt attention. She was my best audience.

I thought about a book that I had been reading and there was a particularly good scene in it I wanted to share with her about a logic problem. Victoria liked logic problems.

“I say, have you heard about the Monty Hall problem?”

She shook her pretty head no. Her eyes fairly glistened in the low light.

“Well, there’s this book I’m reading called, Sweet Tooth. It’s by Ian McEwan. Very clever piece about a female British spy in the 70s. In one of the chapters the protagonist, Serena Frome (rhymes with plume) and her lover/writer/friend Tom Haley were having dinner in their favorite seafood restaurant in Brighton and Tom says, ‘I’m always telling you stories about poems and novels but you never tell me anything about math. It’s time you did. Something counterintuitive, paradoxical.’

“Serena thought for a while.”

‘Well there was this one story making the rounds at Cambridge while I was there. It’s called the Monty Hall Problem.’

I took a sip of my drink and paused for emphasis.

“So, let me tell it to you as best as I remember it. I think you will like it.”

“It seems there are three boxes. Two are empty and one holds a fabulous prize, like an all-expense paid vacation to some exotic place on earth. You have to choose which one you think it might be in. You choose box number one. The host, Monty Hall, who knows what’s inside each box, opens another box. Say, box number three. It’s empty. He then says to you, ‘Do you want to choose box number two or stick with box number one?’

I then asked Victoria which she would do. She says it doesn’t make any difference because you have a fifty-fifty chance either way.

“Not true,” I say. “If you switch you have a two in three chance of winning. If you stick you only have a one in three.”

“No. that can’t be. If you have two boxes remaining, it’s a fifty-fifty chance.”

“I know that’s what it seems like, but if you do the math that’s not right. It’s sort of a paradox. It’s really about re-evaluating your decisions as you get new information. Monty filters your choice by opening one of the boxes. You now have new information. You know the fabulous vacation is not in box number three. This changes the odds.”

Victoria sat back in her leather chair and stared into the middle distance processing this information. I saw in her face the slow signs of recognition as she grappled with the problem and gradually came to understand the solution with the new information I had supplied to her.

“Oh! Now I get it. I don’t know why I didn’t at first.”

“That’s because it’s counterintuitive. Most people don’t at first. By the way. Tom didn’t get it at first either. Now here’s the kicker, getting back to the book. Tom takes this math problem and decides to incorporate it into one of his short stories.”

The server came over and asked us if we’d like another drink.

I nodded my assent and said, “Yes, but I think I’ll have something more traditional this time. Do you have Old Forster?”

He says, “Yes.”

“Good! Well then, I’ll have an Old Forster and soda. Club soda.”

He writes that down.

“And for the lady?”

Victoria says she’ll have a rum and coke.

The server gives a slight bow and disappears back into the gloaming.

“So,” I say. “Getting back to the book. Tom and Serena spend the rest of the weekend together back at Tom’s apartment. He claims to have had an epiphany and now totally understands the solution to the Monty Hall problem, although at first, he insisted just like you, that there was only a fifty-fifty chance the prize was in box number one or two. Serena gave him another way of looking at it. She said what if there were a million boxes? And you choose box six hundred thousand? Monty opens all the other boxes except box number ninety-seven. Now the only closed boxes are yours and ninety-seven. What are the odds now?  Tom still insists fifty-fifty. ‘No! It’s a million to one against it being in your box.  And an almost certainty it’s in the other! Finally, he gets it.

“So, they go back to the apartment and Tom thanks her for the idea and starts writing a story about the problem. He calls it, “The Adultery Probability.” They make love, eat left overs and on Sunday afternoon Tom escorts Serena to the train station. She takes the next train back to London.

“Monday morning, she is back at her job at MI-6. Tom doesn’t know she is a spy and is responsible for his new found fortune of being awarded a financial grant so that he doesn’t’ have to work and instead can concentrate on his writing. This is the “dirty little secret” that is hanging over Serena’s head and stands between them like the sword of Damocles as she tries to figure out how and when to tell him about it.

“Three days go by and Serena gets a manuscript in the post. It’s Tom’s story. He has attached a note: ‘Did I get this right?’ She reads it before going to work and is horrified to learn that alas, he did not get it right.”

I can see Victoria is getting a little bit restive. Must be her ADHD kicking in again, I thought.

“Do you want to walk around a bit and explore,” I ask Victoria.

“Sure,” she says. Victoria is always up for a little adventure.

“We’ll continue on with the story when we get back to the table.”

So, we pushed our chairs back and grabbed our drinks and went for a little trek about the place. We were sitting in the Library Room which was two stories tall and opened up to the ceiling. Up a flight of stairs there were two other rooms and a mezzanine looking over the downstairs portion of the library. Off to either side of the mezzanine were the two other two rooms, the Boudoir Room and the Fumoir Room, only there was no smoking in the Fumoir Room. What went on the Boudoir Room, I wasn’t certain. Each room was richly appointed with distinctive features of the period offering its occupants intimacy and privacy. Each had a maximum capacity of five. We took a peek in each room. Downstairs, off the bar, was a larger room called the Gaga Room which held up to 14 patrons. These rooms were offered for rent by the hour. In the bar area there were lounges made of richly upholstered plush red velvet with lamplight gently streaming over each one. One had the feeling that one could sink down into that velvet lining and disappear forever. We stood there transfixed for a while as if hypnotized by the ambiance. We snapped out of our reverie and headed back to the table in the library.

We sat back down and a little silence ensued as we thought about what we had just witnessed.

“Don’t you just hate that?” Victoria asked.

“What?”

“That awkward silence when no one has anything to say?”

“Oh that. No, I don’t mind. Sometimes it’s good to just sit and think about things for a while and something naturally will come up of its own accord.”

“Well, I tell you what. Why don’t you tell me the rest of that story?”

“Good idea.” I raise my drink to her and say, “Here’s looking at you kid.”

She smiles back and touched her glass to mine as I resume the story.

“Now, where was I? Oh yes! Serena has just read Tom’s story and discovered to her horror that Tom indeed did not get the problem right. His story went something like this. A London architect suspects his wife of fooling around. One day, when he has time on his hands, he follows her to a sleazy hotel in Brighton. He spies her in the lobby with a man. They obtain a key from the desk clerk and head up the stairs. Terry, the architect, stealthily enters the hotel and follows them up the stairs, staying out of sight. They reach the fourth floor and Terry can hear a door open and close, but he can’t see which one. When he arrives on the floor, he can see there are only three rooms, 401, 402, and 403. His plan is to wait until the couple is in bed together then break into the room and catch them in flagrante delicto. Only one problem. Which room are they in?

“He listens for a sound but hears nothing. Time passes. He needs to make a choice. He chooses door 401 because it’s closest. He steps back to make a run for the door when the door to 403 opens and an Indian couple with a baby come out of the room.  They smile at Terry and go down the steps.

“He figures he has a one-in-three chance his wife was in room 401. Which means that until now there was a two-in-three chance she’s in either 402 or 403. Now that he knows 403 is empty there must be a two in three chance, she’s in 402. Only a fool would stay with his first choice, for the laws of probability are immutable. He makes his run and crashes through the door of 402 and catches the couple in mid-stroke. He gives the chap a slap across the chops and make a hasty retreat out the door and heads for London to file for divorce.

“Serena thinks about this story all day long after she gets to work. It was a good story but it was flawed. It couldn’t stand as written. It didn’t make sense. The Indian couple coming out of room 403 did not tip the balance in favor of 402. Their emergence was random while Monty’s choice was not. He knows what is in each box. If Terry had chosen room 403 the Indian couple could not magically transfer themselves to another room so they could come out another door. After they come out of 403 Terry’s wife was just as likely to be in 402 or 401.

“Serena didn’t think she could just tell Tom the story didn’t work, rather she felt she had to fix it. She had an idea how. Tom could re-write the story and make it work. First, she had to get rid of the Indian couple. Then as Terry take a few steps back to run at the door to room 401, he overhears two housekeepers talking on the landing below. One says, ‘I’ll just pop upstairs and do one of the two empty rooms.’ The other says, ‘Be careful, that couple are in their usual room.’

“Terry quickly re-figures the odds and decides to stand in front of room 401 forcing the housekeeper to go into one of the other two rooms. She knows where the couple is. Whatever room she chooses, Terry will move to the other door, doubling his chances. And that is exactly what happens. The housekeeper goes into 403. Terry makes his move and crashes into 402 and voila, there they are!”

“And there you have it. The rest of the story!”

I finished my drink and the server came over and asked if I wanted another but I said no I’d had enough. Victoria declined as well. We spent the rest of the evening in pleasant conversation as is our wont to do and we were well positioned to engage in another one of our favorite pastimes, that of observing other customers and making fun of them or making up stories about their lives. We found this to be very amusing. Oh, I know, we were perfectly awful, but it was fun.

Later I got to thinking about that evening and thought it would be fun to reconstruct it as a story. I thought the parallels between the couples were interesting. Similar, but slightly different. Sort of like an alternate universe. There was magic in the invention. You take a little from here and a little from there and you take all the parts and put them together to form a comprehensive whole, synergized and harmonized. Sort of like a stew cooked by chefs to create something new and delicious. A story within a story, like the windmills of your mind. We had fun that night. And I vowed we would come back someday, no matter what it took. Come hell or high water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Quiet, Clean, Well-Lighted Place

 

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It was late and everyone had left the café except for me. I was sitting at a sidewalk table in front of the window and could watch the passersby on their way home. A tree sat a few feet from me in a large round pot casting a shadow over the empty table sitting next to it. A slight breeze gently moved the leaves on the tree. There was enough light to read by. I liked to sit late at night in this café and read and drink my whiskey and soda in peace. It was quiet now that all the other customers had left. There only remained two waiters, one old like me and the other young. The younger one seemed impatient to go home. Probably had a wife to go home too. That was not the case for me or I suspect the other waiter.

Last week I attempted suicide.

Why, you may ask?

Loneliness, despair, I don’t know. Just couldn’t stand the pain of going on.

It wasn’t for lack of money. No, no, I have plenty. There just didn’t seem to be any point going on. I was saved at the last minute by my niece who cut me down. I’m not sure she did me any favors.

I noticed out in the street a soldier and a girl walking briskly by. They better get home soon, I thought, or they will be out past curfew and have to pay the price. Hope he gets what he wants.

I signaled the waiter for another drink.

The younger waiter sauntered over.

“What will you have?”

“Another whisky and soda.”

“You’ll be drunk.”

I just looked at him. He went away.

The two waiters were huddled together at a table near the door. They were whispering. Probably talking about me I thought. Probably want me to go. Well, I’m not ready to go.

The waiter went to the bar and poured a shot of Woodford into a tumbler of ice and spritzed it with soda water. He carried the drink outside to where I was sitting. He placed the drink in front of me and said, “You should have killed yourself last week.”

He probably thought I couldn’t hear what he was saying as I am practically deaf. But I hear well enough in a quiet environment.

The waiter went back into café and sat down with his work mate. They began whispering again. Probably think I’m drunk and need to leave, I thought. Oh, well, I’ll stay a little longer and have one more for the road. I had a wife once. She left me long ago.

I like this place. It is clean, well-lighted, and quiet.

I motioned to the waiters for another drink.

“Another whiskey and soda, amigo.”

“No,” the young waiter said. “You’re done. Time to go.”

“Another,” I insisted.

“We are closing now.” He began to wipe the table clean with his towel.

I slowly stood up, looked at the bill he had unceremoniously laid on the table.  I pulled my cash from my pocket and paid the bill, leaving a modest tip.

I walked down the street away from the café slowly, a bit unsteadily, but with as much dignity as I could muster. I could feel the eyes of the two waiters burning a hole in my back. I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I didn’t want to face my dark room and the empty bed. One more drink, I thought. There must be some place open tonight. Only thing was, they would unlikely be as clean and well-lighted or as nice as this last one was. I didn’t want any music. No, I really couldn’t stand to listen to any music. And it would be difficult to stand with dignity in front of a bar. What was it I wanted? Just a clean, quiet, well-lighted place. What was it I had? A whole lot of nothing. I faced a cold void, full of nothing. A darkness. Deliver us from nothingness.

I came to a bar that was open and stood at the counter.

“What will it be?” asked the counter man.

“Nothing. I’ll have a cup of nothing.”

“What, are you crazy, old man?”

I laughed.

“I’ll have shot of Tequila, then. Patron.”

“This is a very bright place you have here,” I said, “and it is very pleasant, but the bar needs cleaning.”

The counterman gave me a look, but did not speak. It was too late to talk.

“You want another shot?” he asked.

“No thanks,” I said and left.  I dislike bars and dirty cafes. A quiet, clean, well-lighted place is a different matter altogether.

Now, I will go home. I will lie in my bed and fall asleep just as the day is breaking. I am probably not the only one who has trouble sleeping, I thought to myself, as I walked the six blocks back to my apartment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

KAFKA

The Metamorphosis

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My step daughter Kim visited me recently. As is our wont to do we had a literary discussion about books and what books influenced us and why. Of course we talked about Hemingway and Camus. But then we landed on Kafka. What, she wanted to know, made me like Kafka so much?

Well, that gave me pause. I allude to Kafka a lot in my writing and in my conversations with people but is has been awhile since I last read his works. The best I could come up with was that I identified with his sense of alienation and absurdity and the bureaucratic nightmare that modern man seems to live under as depicted in his works. I got to thinking. Why else? Well, it had been about 40 years since I last read Metamorphosis, so I decided I would reread it.

I had it in my library. It was the original copy that I had read in the 1970’s. But the book wasn’t in very good condition. The pages had yellowed, there was mold or something growing on the frontispiece, and the spine was cracked and coming apart in the middle. I decided I needed another copy. So, I did what any respectable book buyer might do, I went on line. I found a book and ordered it. Not wanting to wait the two days for its arrival I decide to download a copy to my Kindle so that I could start reading right away.

Now, I remember the first time I read The Metamorphosis, as I say, some 40 odd years ago. I had taken the book along with me on a visit to the emergency room. I had just crashed my motorcycle and broken my leg. The attending physician looked at the book I was reading as I was waiting to be examined. He looked at the book, then looked at me, and then looked at the book again. “Pretty heavy reading isn’t it?” He asked.

Well that may give you an example of the absurdity of my existence up to that point right there.

As I remembered in the book, Gregor Samsa woke up one morning to discover he had been transformed into a gigantic bug. As I remembered it was a cockroach. I had already been disabused of that notion long ago and realized it was a beetle. Now when I stated reading my kindle edition it said “vermin.” Well that wasn’t good enough for me. I needed to see “beetle.” So, I decided I’d wait for the actual book to arrive. It came and I started in to reading it. I came to the fateful passage and it read “verminous bug.” Still not good enough! But I read on. This could go on forever, I thought. I guess there was something lost in translation or in my memory. Speak memory!  Later on in the book there was a passage that referred to Gregor as a “dung beetle.” Now, feeling gloriously vindicated, I read the rest of the story in a condition of sublime justification.

Now that I have reread the story I feel that I can speak definitively as to what the book says to me. The story reflects thematically on feelings of alienation, anxiety, and guilt, which pretty well sums up man’s absurd relationship to the world in which he lives and one I have very much identified with ever since I can remember. The story operates in a random, chaotic, and absurd universe, as do we all. Do things happen for a reason or do they befall us purely by chance? That is the question Kafka seems to be exploring in this surrealistic story of transformation.

Another thing I like about Kafka is his take on the kinds of books to read and by extension the kinds of books to write. I also believe this can be applied to other types of art as well.

In a letter to a friend he says: “I think you should only read books that bite and sting you. If the book we read does not wake us with a blow to the skull, why do we read the book? To make us happy as you write? My God, we would be happy if we had no books, and such books that make us happy, we could write to the emergency. But we need the books that affect us like a misfortune that hurts us a lot, like the death of one we loved rather than us, as if we were going into forests, away from all people, like a suicide, a book must be the ax for the frozen sea in us.”