Saturday Night Special

Love Kills.

Once I saw her in the light of day, I suggested she might see a plastic surgeon.

“Listen, sweetheart,” I lisped, “Did you ever consider plastic surgery?”

Well, she turned on me.

It was awful.

I can see now why they used to name storms after women.

She grabbed my .38 right out of my armpit and proceeded to fill me full of holes.

By the time she emptied the special on that hot Saturday night, I looked like a rancid piece of Swiss cheese.

“Aw, why’d ya hafta go and do that baby?

This was my best dinner jacket. It only had one hole in it before. Now it has seven. I’ll never be able to wear it again.”

That’s the last thing I remember before I lost consciousness…

Elevator Pitch

Photo by Izhak Agency ob Unsplash

Two Lawyers on an Elevator

Oh! It’s you!

Yeah, only me…

Why didn’t you ever answer my letter?

You sent me a letter?

Yes…

When?

About two months ago

Oh… Why didn’t you call?

I did. You told me to send you a letter.

Oh…you fell for that one…

You bastard!

 In my case an accident, but you sir, are a self-made man.

Doors open

I’ll see you in court.

Answer my letter!

If Wishes Were Horses

If Wishes were horses I’d get on and ride

If trouble was money, I’d be a millionaire

If frogs had wings, they wouldn’t bump their ass so much

If you can dream and not make dreams your master

If two are dead three can keep a secret

If not now, when?

If traveling was free, you’d never see me again

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain

If I was your wife, I would poison your coffee.

If I was your husband, I would drink it.

Zardoz

A Poem

My name is Zardoz

I come from the land of Ur

I come seeking relief

I am in disguise

Yes, I have come to tell you something

I need your understanding

I want to know the correct path

Sharing a good laugh with you would be nice

I don’t want to be sad

When I have what I need I will feel Ok.

How to Fix It

Poem

Collage and Photo by Benn Bell

How to fix it

Leave a legacy of love

Shovel shit against the tide until you reach the end of the line

Everyone has a story

And nearly everyone undergoes a startling metamorphosis

By morning

All is emptiness under the moon

The umbrella academy offers scant protection.

GARDEN PARTY

Went to a garden party at Kevin’s

all the best people were there

including a past trade minister from Canada.

Started off with a shot of tequila, then a beer chaser

moved on to eggnog which was heavy with rum

then finished with a couple of glasses of Merlot.

“Doesn’t all that mixing bother you?” Asked Alice.

“Never mix never worry, Honey.”

Well, so far so good.

The Ballad of Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz is a particularly odious politician

Who left the country in a lurch

While his people froze in their homes

In Texas

He was on a plane to sunny Cancun

To say anyone in Texas would do the same

Misses the point by a mile

To say all politicians are the same

Also makes me smile

Ted Cruz takes the cake

Now he can eat it too.

Night Writer

Last night I had dinner out with friends

But the best part of the evening

Was the ride home

It was 71 degrees and the night was dark

I had the windows open and the moon roof too

Jazz on the radio at full blast

Seventy miles an hour down the long-lost highway

The wind was in our hair and on our skin

Wow! Said my friend when I pulled in front of her bungalow

At midnight in a screeching stop

That was exhilarating!